Happy Birthday, lillithium

[aoifene]

Title: D E S I R E
Author: Aoife Malfoy aoifene
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco
Rating: NC-17 for dark themes (Fluffertons, turn away! *laughs*)
Beta: My lovely jamie2109
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s): Set in the E R I S E D Universe. It won’t make much sense if you don’t read that one first.
Dedication: This is written for the wonderful, lillithium. Happy Birthday, honey! She requested a scene wherein E R I S E D’s Draco is set free.
AN: I hope Chuck Palahniuk doesn’t mind the summary. *laughs*
Summary: The one we love and the one who loves us are never ever the same person.

“ And so will the world end, a victim of love rather than hate. For love’s ever been the more destructive weapon.”

-Stephen King, Dark Tower VII

One


Two


Three


Four


Draco closes his eyes as he tries to breathe deeply and focus his attention on the task at hand. When he opens them again, his grey eyes are as clear as ever. He is so close, he can almost taste it. Almost feel the rush of triumph in the grip of his hands. Almost see that door opening with little prodding from a wandless Alohamora, strengthened now that he can actually cast the spell out loud, all the while refusing to acknowledge the price that it has cost him. The knowledge of Professor Snape’s death is shoved in the back of his mind within an already too cramped space filled to the brim with unpleasant memories like his old Hogwarts trunk that he’d always had the devil’s own time trying to pack every year.


No no no


Not down that road. Hogwarts, and the Manor and thoughts of Mum. He can’t or else he’ll shatter and break and there are only so many pieces of him left. He knows he can never be whole but he still wants there to be something left of him to put together. He has to focus! Keep counting, steady on the mindless drone of numbers lining up on the tip of his tongue.


Five


Six


Seven


A rush fills his chest, one stronger than the one several moments previous. Oh he’s never made it this far before! He always stumbles and trips and succumbs. His legs too shaky to carry him forward and his heart too weak to make it just that little bit more. He is sure of it now. His spine straightens and the trembling in his hands eases slightly.


Eight


Nine


He can hardly believe his eyes. Aged dark wood meets his disbelieving gaze. From this vantage point, he can see every chip on the course surface quite clearly. It does not take much to imagine the rough texture that would be beneath his calloused fingertips. His eyes dip down and elation seizes his heart that’s been beating madly like the wings on a snitch. The ancient brass handle awaits his touch and his clammy hands are already itching to cup it and twist it eagerly. To snatch up the freedom he has long been waiting for. Just a few minutes more, he’d be insane to give up his concentration this late in the game. He forces his mind to complete the exercise. It takes ten long steps to reach that door. He would only need one more.


Te-


His chapped lips have already begun to form around the word; it would only take half an exhalation, an echo of a sound to finish it out. He’d be a fool to turn away now; a complete and senseless idiot to let anything or anyone keep him from this.


But Harry’s not just anyone and he isn’t anything to Draco.


He’s everything.


And it’s already been a long established fact that Draco is a fool.


The tapping that has been there at the cottoned edges of his consciousness thumps loudly against his throbbing head as his concentration splinters. His nine measured and hard-won steps are dashed into one hurried stride as he hastens to answer the call because suddenly he can’t stand be this far away.


He presses his wet face against the cold glass, his hands stroking the surface in sweet devotion. Unable to help himself, he mouths his apologies over and over again. His tears staining dry lips, as he murmurs the same chorus.


I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.


The figure in the Mirror only smiles and he puts a finger to his own lips which immediately quiets Draco’s own hysterical sobbing. Green eyes twinkle happily behind black-rimmed spectacles as he raises one hand against the pane. Draco nearly trips over himself as he brings his shaking palm over the very same spot.


And suddenly everything in the world seems right. Perhaps not particularly sane or even remotely normal but right in a way that has Draco beaming like an idiot as he stands there with his hand reaching out and his fingers splayed against cool glass.


Sometimes he stays like that for hours until his arm finally falls numb. The smile never slips though.


It’s the only time that he can believe he’s happy. The only time where he can forget about things; his family, his past, this war. Here there is only the two of them and what was he doing, anyway, trying to leave this paradise like a daft sod?


He shakes his head, chuckling low at his own stupidity and even then he doesn’t break away from the hold of those green eyes. He lets the warmth in Harry’s expression overwhelm him, nourishing him as his body relaxes under such tender regard. Not even that mouthful of food from last week’s rat trap had felt as good as this.


In the light of that smile everything else darkens. Memories fade. The background grows faint and the silence is welcomed. Reality is held at bay. Professor Snape isn’t dead. Mother is safely tucked away in France and his father is fighting diligently at the Dark Lord’s side.


And Potter? He was just here yesterday.


Draco’s grin never falters even as his shoulders begin to shake. The tears on his tongue are a lot saltier, acrid in a way that makes it hard for him to breathe. For this is also the only time he bows to a truth he’s known all along, something he hides from in the few times when grey eyes are clear and focused.


It isn’t freedom that he wants.


At least not anymore.



D E S I R E D

Comments

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I remember ERISED. Just re-read it and, man, this extra bit doesn't help at all! *sobs*

You pack so much desperate emotion into these words. My heart feels heavy, but it so gorgeous. I love how Draco is his own prison keeper and knows it but still can't fight it. Devastating.

I picked up some hints--the morsel of food from the rat trap, the fact that "Potter was here yesterday" was added at the end of a list of his other fantasies--has Draco been abandoned by Harry? *weeps*

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

*smiles* I'm delighted that you still remember that little fic after all this time!

I never meant to write anything else in this Universe because this is the only direction that I envisioned and I knew it would be desperately sad.

*laughs* Yes, yes! You are absolutely right! At this time in the story, Draco is finally free. Snape is dead, therefore lifting his Silencing Curse on him and the real Harry has abandoned him and hasn't been to see him in weeks. He is free yet he is still very much so the willing prisoner.

*hugs* Thank you for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed the story! :)

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Why?! Why did Harry do that?! *glares at Harry*

Will I be able to tempt you with hp_darkfest in August, do you reckon? *bats eyelashes*

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

*also glares @ Harry* I imagine it's because weeks before this, in middle of sex Harry accidentally gets a glimpse of the mirror and he's startled when he realizes that what he sees is merely an exact reflection of that very moment with nothing altered. He hasn't wanted anything in a long time. It was easier that way. :D

ooh *is intrigued* A dark fest you say? Is it like a regular fest exchange? :)

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

It's going to be prompt based, at least the first time out, to lessen stress/pressure for me everyone. The UI has pretty much all the info about how things will work.

*wave just baked darkfic cookies in your direction*

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

I've limited myself to only two fests each year (hd_hols and hd_wc) but I think for you I can make an exemption *winks*

Besides I've always been such a sucker for darkfic cookies! *laughs*

You can count on me in August, m'dear! :)

[melusinahp.livejournal.com]

Yay! *dances* XXXXX

[jamie2109.livejournal.com]

Ahh, you already know how I feel about this *smooches* Absolutely devastating work, lovely.

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks very much for looking it over, hon! *squishes* I'm glad you enjoyed it! :D

[thrnbrooke.livejournal.com]

*grabs a Kleenex* Oh Draco!

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

*hugs and pets Draco* Poor sod always gets the brunt of it. :D Thanks for reading!

[lillithium.livejournal.com]

OMG.

You know how much I loved ERISED, and DESIRE is such a great extension - it still carries the theme and yet takes it further - the way desire leads men to insanity. *sighs*

I love how you lay hints to readers and trust us find out what happened in the story ourselves. I can see why Draco is spellbound by the mirror of ERISED, and why he prefers his reality in the magical mirror to the possiblity of life and freedom. It hurts to see he'd rather die happy and loved by mirror!Harry than live without and feeling empty. (Sorry if I'd made the wrong assumption that he's dying, but this is just the way I interpreted the story.)

While I believe in reality the will to survive overpowers most of the time, what I find myself constantly looking for in fictional world is the kind of love that's so strong it overcomes survival instinct. Even though Draco's love for Harry is twisted (as he's only in love with the image he created through the mirror), it is still love, and that's the part that touched me most.

Thank you very much for giving me such a wonderful gift ♥ I always love it when I receive fics, but to have well-done, quality fics written to suit my kink (like ERISED and this one) makes me wonder if I deserve such awesomeness happen to me. Thank you so much for writing this. I absolutely love it, and will be telling everybody that I'm the proud recipient of DESIRE. Thank you!

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

Oh Thank god! *laughs* I was so scared you might not like it! It’s been over a year since I wrote the original and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to capture the same atmosphere as that one but I’m glad you think I succeeded!

I love subtlety in fics because I know people can interpret certain things a certain way and it’s always interesting to see what they come away with.  And yes, in my mind, Draco is fighting a losing battle both with life and his desire. What I love most about this Draco is that even though he knows it’s an uphill battle, he is still very much willing to fight in the precious few moments when he is thinking clearly. His will to survive is still very much alive although it is empowered by his love each and every time.

*beams* It was a pleasure to write for you and of course, you deserve it, silly! You spoil us rotten with your beautiful art. It is only right that we try to return the favour in kind. :D


^{ETA: And since you like the theme of overpowering love, I think you might enjoy the fic I wrote for hd_worldcup, Prodigal /end shameless pimping}

[lillithium.livejournal.com]

I can't help myself...

I hope you liked. :-)

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

OMG!!!

*runs off to look*

[kit84.livejournal.com]

Oh wow.

I ♥ you. Srsly. Fucking awesome.

I adore the way you've done this...almost fooled me at the beginning thinking Draco was really going to do it. Interesting concept...almost trapped more by himself than anything else.

Lovely continuation, the tone was consistent - completely - brought back good memories of reading E R I S E D :D

Also, little bit insane Draco = teh love ♥

♥ ♥ ♥

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

You were such a big help on the first one, I am ecstatic you enjoyed this one too!!! Thank you, honey!

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

AAAGGGHH! So good. Dying of the awesome angstiness.

This was fabulous. This:

And suddenly everything in the world seems right. Perhaps not particularly sane or even remotely normal but right in a way that has Draco beaming like an idiot as he stands there with his hand reaching out and his fingers splayed against cool glass.

Sometimes he stays like that for hours until his arm finally falls numb. The smile never slips though.

nearly killed me with it's awesomeness, Draco all insane and needing and lost.

But this:

And Potter? He was just here yesterday.

actually did kill me for a few minutes, I think. The only thing that kept me from walking towards the light was the supreme conviction that there would be another installment, that it wouldn't end with Draco starving to death in front of the mirror and Harry either not knowing or not caring.

I mean, there will be right? Right??

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

I am not entirely reliable for happy endings, I must tell you that right now. *laughs* I do like to leave things up to the reader's interpretation so whether Draco ends up dying alone and unloved is entirely up to you! *smiles* I will say this though, I do believe that the real Harry did love Draco in his own way. :)

And don't tempt me with writing another extension! *laughs* I already have Prodigal's extension on my plate! LOL

Thank you reading, hon!

[bryoneybrynn.livejournal.com]

Oh, I don't need happy endings. I like to twist and writhe a little. The only thing I avoid is outright death!fic (don't even get me started on A Certain Kind of Memory).

Come on! This totally needs a third part! After Harry's panic in the first one when he thought he'd killed Draco, I can't believe he knowingly left him there to die. But it would be brilliant if he was stupid and just assumed Draco would leave and totally didn't realize what he had done with the mirror and the holding prisoner and the sex and came back to a dead/dying Draco and had to face all that!!! I mean, does it get any angstier than that??? *g*

*but is also very excited about prodigal sequel*

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Jamie might have mentioned something about that! LOL

You are so evil. *laughs* I have the perfect way to show Harry's side of it too. *sigh* No promises though, okay? I've enough people wanting to kick my arse for not finishing my WIPs! *laughs*

I'm on the last scene! :D

[norton-gale.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor Draco! You really know how to twist the knife in his heart, and in ours. I guess I will just have to wait for the Prodigal epilogue to get a happy ending from you.

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

:) M glad it moved you, honey! And yes *laughs* seems that way right? lol Thank you for reading!

[flawless-beauti.livejournal.com]

Stab me in the heart and twist; I doubt it would hurt as much as reading this. You captured the exact same tone and pulled my heartstrings just as much, if not more, as the first one.
I bawled when I first read ERISED, and I honestly didn't think anything could be more heartbreaking but then you come out with this. I don't even know where to start.

And Potter? He was just here yesterday.

I had to stop reading for a moment until the tears were under control. Not that it did much good, because it took me three tries to finally be able to make out the ending sentences.
The sad part is I can see Harry doing this, just up and leaving Draco, though whether it's because he doesn't know or doesn't care is constantly fighting it out in my head.

I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment, for even though I have never cried so hard or felt so much emotion than when reading ERISED, and now DESIRE, they remain my favorite H/D stories of all time and I'd love a third installment.

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you! M glad you think I was able to capture the same tone as the original. I did struggle with a bit since it was written a year ago so I am relieved that this piece flowed well.

*hands kleenex* I am happy that this fic moved you. *blushes* you are far too kind. I'm delighted you liked it that much. *laughs* You're not the only one who's asking for a third part! *flails and resists the temptation*

Thank you for reading!

[snow-flakeys.livejournal.com]

had to say it was just perfect...of course after i wiped away the tears! heartbreaking! you've made my night! thank you ! :)

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

I'm happy it moved you! Thank you for reading!



er it seems lj has been eating my comment notifications! lol

[aoifene.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think it does make it more painful because with this Harry you can imagine him doing both things: abandoning Draco or coming back for him.

I was so very honored when lillithium captured that moment in her watercolours. I'm delighted it moved you as well. Thank you for reading!

[incandescent.livejournal.com]

Oh, darling. This is so sweet. And dark, but well, I find that sweet.